First week of second year was all kinds of crazy and wonderful.
On Wednesday I came to school with a much more settled heart. God told me that this day looked like "the enemy doesn't get your peace today". I was so determined to not let the enemy take my peace, I choose to remain at peace. My heart was so full of peace, another day closer to my due date for tuition and I felt alive.
Sometime we just need to ask God what today looks like? And follow His instruction, as simple as it sounds. I was at school, where they were talking about classes, tracks, advanced ministry training, exploring questions like "who are you?, what do you believe?"
It's not about what your against or who your not. What defines you is what you believe and what you do.
I just felt so at safe in my simple choice to choose peace. Life flows from the simple things He says.
The next day (Thursday) I caught up with a friend, who shared with me her revelation of God. That God is more than a needs God and if we aren't having fun with Him, do we look any different to the rest of the world?
She shared how God had shown her this, and it left me a little bit broken.
How could I have fun, with a $3000 cloud over my head?
I went to school and felt challenged by God in worship. I sat on the floor and wrote a list of stuff I wanted, not needed but stuff I like.
Like..
A drink bottle
New makeup
An iPad hehehe
Tickets to go to my friends wedding
clothes
Etc, etc,
I felt so silly because it was just stuff. Stuff. But it filled my heart. It made me happy to think about things I liked, not things I needed. It sparked hope in me, but i was hesitant to think that I would actually get it.
Later than afternoon, my friend came up to me and handed me $100.
I was so shocked I didn't have the guts to tell her what it I had done during worship.
I was kinda freaked out to be honest- it couldn't seriously be for stuff I wanted- this was the first money I had received directly and was able to buy food.
I was in target and had my basket of stuff I needed, food etc.. And passed the drink bottle by thinking "God it's $8, I can't spend that".
I headed to the hair product section, looking for coconut oil for my hair (girl problems) and I had two options- the $25 real stuff, or $7 cheaper stuff. I chose the $7 stuff thinking "this will do", but the clearance section caught my eye.
I heard God say "buy the good stuff", but ultimately I chose not even the cheap but the very cheap.
I was so disappointed, not so much in myself, but in God.
"God why would you ask me to buy the most expensive, this is for tuition"
"It's not for tuition, it's for fun"
I was honestly annoyed.
"How can I have fun, when my tuition use not paid"
I drove home in tears.
I could feel the sadness in His heart,
"I wanted you to have fun"
I couldn't believe Him, that fun looked like spending money when I owe so much.
"$50 isn't going to pay your tuition Courtney"
I knew that the $50 wouldn't pay it but I felt the sting of guilt as I thought I spending it on wants not needs.
On Friday I spent time with one of my most favorite. Our journey to second year has been so similar, and I felt pushed to share with her my "wants story".
I didn't want to spend all on myself, but I felt my heart come to life as we headed to the mall.
I bought us each a candle from bath and body works.
I went to goodwill and found an awesome shirt.
I bought a drink bottle that I wanted last year but never got.
I hung out with my "God is fun" friend later that afternoon, and she shared with me a little more.
"We starve spiritually when we are striving to meet needs, when we are ignoring the little things that make us come alive."
Ask Him, and He will meet not just our needs, but the little things we love. That its the stuff we love that makes us come alive.
I came alive over a candle, a drink bottle, breakfast at a nice cafe and a shirt.
And God cared. He cared about those little things that made me happy.
I'm learning to let go, and let the simple things be simple.
I'm learning to let go of control- I can't control what happens with my tuition- and to be honest, school is so intense by itself I don't really have the emotional extras to deal with the tension and battle with anxiety.
I believe that God so wants His kids to encounter this part of His heart. In the midst of one of the most pressing times, He would pursue me with a drink bottle, shirt, a nice cafe and a candle.
Sometimes you just need to make a list of things, of stuff that makes you some alive, and if your in a place where you can't provide it for yourself, let your heart be expectant that He will do it- because He's fun like that.
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