This week in pictures: 

Sweet Yvette, Me and Debbie, The Ember Days at BSSM, Evie, Revival group party with the puppy!! 

This week in pictures...

My new drink bottle! :) 

Amy Gagnon- one of my favorites.  this lady is amazing! I love her, her husband + 3 girls.

Vivian Kimm- this girl is one of my best friends. Forever. That's it. 

Taken from sundial bridge- Redding has the most colorful sunsets. Prettiest place.

A little fun never hurt anyone...

This week came and went so fast. 

First week of second year was all kinds of crazy and wonderful. 

On Wednesday I came to school with a much more settled heart. God told me that this day looked like "the enemy doesn't get your peace today". I was so determined to not let the enemy take my peace, I choose to remain at peace. My heart was so full of peace, another day closer to my due date for tuition and I felt alive. 

Sometime we just need to ask God what today looks like? And follow His instruction, as simple as it sounds.  I was at school, where they were talking about classes, tracks, advanced ministry training, exploring questions like "who are you?, what do you believe?"

It's not about what your against or who your not. What defines you is what you believe and what you do.

 I just felt so at safe in my simple choice to choose peace. Life flows from the simple things He says. 

The next day (Thursday) I caught up with a friend, who shared with me her revelation of God. That God is more than a needs God and if we aren't having fun with Him, do we look any different to the rest of the world? 

She shared how God had shown her this, and it left me a little bit broken. 

How could I have fun, with a $3000 cloud over my head? 

I went to school and felt challenged by God in worship. I sat on the floor and wrote a list of stuff I wanted, not needed but stuff I like. 

Like.. 

A drink bottle 

New makeup 

An iPad hehehe

Tickets to go to my friends wedding 

clothes 

Etc, etc, 

I felt so silly because it was just stuff. Stuff. But it filled my heart. It made me happy to think about things I liked, not things I needed. It sparked hope in me, but i was hesitant to think that I would actually get it. 

Later than afternoon, my friend came up to me and handed me $100. 

I was so shocked I didn't have the guts to tell her what it I had done during worship. 

I was kinda freaked out to be honest- it couldn't seriously be for stuff I wanted- this was the first money I had received directly and was able to buy food. 

I was in target and had my basket of stuff I needed, food etc.. And passed the drink bottle by thinking "God it's $8, I can't spend that". 

I headed to the hair product section, looking for coconut oil for my hair (girl problems) and I had two options- the $25 real stuff, or $7 cheaper stuff. I chose the $7 stuff thinking "this will do", but the clearance section caught my eye. 

I heard God say "buy the good stuff", but ultimately I chose not even the cheap but the very cheap. 

I was so disappointed, not so much in myself, but in God. 

"God why would you ask me to buy the most expensive, this is for tuition"

"It's not for tuition, it's for fun"  

I was honestly annoyed. 

"How can I have fun, when my tuition use not paid" 

I drove home in tears. 

I could feel the sadness in His heart, 

"I wanted you to have fun" 

I couldn't believe Him, that fun looked like spending money when I owe so much. 

"$50 isn't going to pay your tuition Courtney" 

I knew that the $50 wouldn't pay it but I felt the sting of guilt as I thought I spending it on wants not needs. 

On Friday I spent time with one of my most favorite. Our journey to second year has been so similar, and I felt pushed to share with her my "wants story". 

I didn't want to spend all on myself, but I felt my heart come to life as we headed to the mall. 

I bought us each a candle from bath and body works. 

I went to goodwill and found an awesome shirt. 

I bought a drink bottle that I wanted last year but never got. 

I hung out with my "God is fun" friend later that afternoon, and she shared with me a little more. 

"We starve spiritually when we are striving to meet needs, when we are ignoring the little things that make us come alive."

 Ask Him, and He will meet not just our needs, but the little things we love. That its the stuff we love that makes us come alive. 

I came alive over a candle, a drink bottle, breakfast at a nice cafe and a shirt. 

And God cared. He cared about those little things that made me happy. 

I'm learning to let go, and let the simple things be simple. 

I'm learning to let go of control- I can't control what happens with my tuition- and to be honest, school is so intense by itself I don't really have the emotional extras to deal with the tension and battle with anxiety. 

I believe that God so wants His kids to encounter this part of His heart. In the midst of one of the most pressing times, He would pursue me with a drink bottle, shirt, a nice cafe and a candle. 

Sometimes you just need to make a list of things, of stuff that makes you some alive, and if your in a place where you can't provide it for yourself, let your heart be expectant that He will do it- because He's fun like that. 

 

BSSM2

Coming back to second year was easy as long as I was in control. 

As long as I got a job

As long as I  paid my deposit 

As long as I got my visa 

As long as I booked my flights 

As long as I paid my tuition 

I came from a background of working for things I wanted, I did paper runs, to grocery stores, to after school programs, to fast food, to cafe/barista work, all to source the desires or the things I wanted, very aware and grateful to God for the blessing of a job. 

So the plan wasn't to spend 6 weeks at home without a job, without the consistent paycheck, the comfort of knowing I was providing for me. 

I knew God as a provider, and had seen Him come through for me numerous times with financial provision. But I always played a part, I had my little contribution to the next step, the next season of my life. 

I get home, and I immediately get a job at Burger King, saying yes straight away to the prospect of making money to send me back to second year. I said yes, completely ignorant to the still small voice that whispered 'its not the job' I did it, and to my surprise (go figure) I did not do very well. I had worked there before, I knew what the job entailed, what it looked like, how much I got paid- yet it wasn't working. But I didn't have the grace for the relationships, the environment, the work- but I was doing what I had to do right? I was going back to second year. 

"You took the job out of desperation, you took the job out of not knowing, and so choosing a job you knew you could get, rather than a job where you would have to put yourself out there.." I have many friends whose words cut me deep, in a good way, but they cut me deep nevertheless. I messed up, I took the job based out of a fear that I would miss out if I didn't do something to make second year happen. 

That day was a hard day, as I felt the door close to second year as I handed in my resignation. I felt defeated, disappointed and couldn't help but cry. I had no job and in my mind it equated to no more second year.

Fast forward 2 weeks after i resigned: 

The day my deposit was due I received $1000 cash in an envelope. 

I received $1600 two weeks later. 

I was granted a visa back to America. 

I was given $1400.

I booked my flights, and they were $600 dollars cheaper than what I paid last year.

My friends fueled me with encouragement and prayers

I was able to share with my church, small groups and a ministry trip about my year at Bethel

My family took care of me, driving me to Auckland, buying me new winter clothes and the essentials. 

I got on a plane heading to Redding, California to begin my next year at BSSM. 

God showed me through that time that I expected His love to look like a good job to work to go back to second year. That His blessing meant that I could work my way back to my hearts desire. 

It all came together when I had no job and no control. 

There are some people reading this who need to know that if you can't control the situation, be expectant to see Him move powerfully in your life. Irregardless if you mess up, or do it your own way, nothing can stop Him from blessing His kids. You can't control the external but you can control the internal and choose, in the midst of all the crazy, He is asking that you would choose to believe that He is a good dad who takes care of His kids. 

I arrive in Redding, with 4 days to get my tuition in. I have no money right? And am believing that He will finish what He started. 

Registration was today, and I owed just over $3000. 

Panic settles in (I know, He is a good dad). But to know me is to know that I am on a journey to understanding me. That I am pursuing God, but that looks like knowing who He has created me to be, what I believe, what I think from, what my experiences have shaped me to be, what I'm good and not so good at. (It's okay to be on a journey of understanding you, if that's where's leading you that's where He's at). 

In my mind He was a good dad, and to me- that means He plans. To me that looks like things happening in a way that makes sense. To me it made perfect sense to go to Redding without my fees, because He would pay them before school started. Right? No. I find myself waiting in the "financial breakthrough" line waiting to see what options I had for second year. 

I have till Monday to pay my fees, i was able to go to second year, and be in school, but could not go to revival group or swipe in. But I could still go.. 

I'm in worship, not so sure of myself anymore, as the enemy wanted to take my precious revelation of the Fathers heart.

"Maybe you weren't supposed to come here?" 

"Maybe you heard wrong?"

"God could bring you here to send you home" 

"Your a bit silly to think that God could do it, or that He wanted to"

I never believed God to be a "last minute God", He is an excited Papa, who plans His kids up for success, He is too good to leave it till the "last minute" to fulfill the desires closet to our hearts. 

Worship had started, BSSM worship, my favorite times had happened in worship, and I felt my heart sink at the thought I might have to say goodbye.

In worship my inner dialogue with Him went like this: 

Me:"God why am I here?"

Him:"I'm not a last minute God" 

* I'm frustrated because it was the last minute* 

Him:"Courtney, what did you ask me for" 

Me: " I asked you for money"

The Holy Spirit remembered me of a previous journal entry: "God I want more hunger" 

Him: "Courtney I'm not a last minute God, I've given you a gift. It's the gift of hunger, and you can keep it- for this whole year, this feeling that you want what I have for you here, you can keep it now you know how precious it is. I'm not a last minute God, I planned this so you could have the gift of hunger too." 

There are some people reading this who are at their end of the rope. Your never at the end, and maybe at the end of tour rope lies a gift from the Father that you can't get from anywhere else.

That He would use our circumstances to reveal the extravagance of His love, to show us provision, to give us gifts whether it be hunger, or faith, or boldness, or wisdom. 

If some of you are feeling like He is a last minute God, He is a last minute God with a purpose so just trust and receive what He has for you. 

It's in the last minute, when it becomes impossible, that He gives you the most precious gift, a piece of His heart. 

Bless you as you read this post. 

Come to expect that when you can't see the outcome, your hand is in the hand of the Man who stilled the water.

He has done it in my life and He will do it for you.